You don't need to be an expert
Most people who help a mate through a hard time aren’t trained in anything. They just noticed, asked, and stuck around. That’s what this page is about. For the signs to look out for, see Look out for a mate.
Starting the conversation
- Pick a moment when you’re side by side, like a drive, a walk or the match. It’s often easier than face to face.
- Say what you’ve noticed, without judging. “You’ve seemed a bit off lately. How are you really doing?”
- If he says “grand”, ask again. Asking twice tells him you actually want to know.
When he opens up
- Listen more than you talk. Let the silences be. You don’t have to fill them.
- Don’t rush to fix it. Advice can wait. Being heard often matters more.
- Avoid “it could be worse” or “just cheer up”. They shut people down, even when they’re meant kindly.
- Thank him for telling you. It took guts.
If he mentions suicide
Ask him directly: “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” Asking won’t put the idea in his head. It shows you’re taking him seriously, and many people feel relieved to be asked.
If he’s in immediate danger, call 999 or 112 and stay with him. If not, help him ring Samaritans on 116 123, or Pieta on 1800 247 247 in Ireland. You can make the call together.
Helping him get support
- Offer to sit with him while he rings a helpline or books a GP appointment.
- Offer to go with him, or give him a lift.
- Share something useful, like Where to start when you need help.
- If drink or drugs are part of it, our recovery page has helplines and meetings.
If he doesn't want help yet
You can’t make someone get help, and it isn’t your failure if he says no. Keep the door open. Keep texting, keep inviting him out, and let him know you’re there when he’s ready. If you’re seriously worried about his safety, that changes things: call for help even if he doesn’t want you to.
Look after yourself too
Supporting someone can be heavy, and you can’t be anyone’s only support. Encourage him to have other people and professionals around him, and talk to someone yourself. Samaritans are there for you as well as for him.
If it’s a loved one’s drinking or drug use that’s wearing you down, groups like Al-Anon and the Family Support Network in Ireland are there for families and friends.